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Category Archives: pregnancy

Finding my way back…

So I’ve not posted in a LONG TIME!!! I’m soooo sorry!!! But when I was about to do my next post several months ago I actually found out I was pregnant 🙂 🙂 So while trying to wrap my head around that & get to all the doctors etc. I decided to wait to do another post until after we heard the heartbeat.

On the day we went to the doctor to hear the heartbeat we didn’t. Instead we found out that my pregnancy was actually collapsing on itself & I was going to miscarry. Luckily Aaron was there with me that day & I will never forget the look on his face when the doctor told us. He had this stoic, hard mask on. You could tell he was sad but he was being strong. He put himself aside so he could be there for me. And goodness knows I needed him. I was pretty numb at first, but by the time we got home I was lost. I cried & cried & cried.  And Aaron was there, so supportive, being whatever I needed him to be.

That was December 28th.  The following Monday on January 2nd Aaron & I lost our baby.  It was painful, sad, & pretty traumatic.  I was just over 9 weeks pregnant so my doctor said I experienced about 80% of the pain I would feel during actual labor.  It was horrible.  It would have been bearable if I’d have gotten a precious little baby out of it.  But I didn’t.

That was 4 weeks ago tomorrow & it still feels just as raw.  I do understand however that it wasn’t my only chance at a child, that God has a reason why He wanted this perfect little baby more than I did, & I do have some peace with it.  I honestly do.  Does that make the pain easier? Not one bit. But I’m not angry, sad yes, but I’m not angry.  I’m doing my best not to let it make me bitter.  I have some pregnant friends that do sometimes complain about bring pregnant & it takes everything  that I have not to make some snide remark about how they should just be happy that they’re still pregnant.  I just think to myself that if I were them I’d probably be complaining of the same things 🙂

So now I’m trying to find my way back from that.  My diabetes kind of took a backseat throughout this, which I know I shouldn’t have let it but I wasn’t thinking about the future at that moment & the future children I would have.  All I was thinking of was that I didn’t have a little baby in me to take care of anymore so what the eff was the point??  Why should I check my blood sugar, or eat right?? I have nothing to nurture and care for anymore.  Then as a week or two went by I realized that I need to start taking extra good care of myself for me, my husband, my dog, & my future children.  Just because I couldn’t carry this one doesn’t mean I never will.  & I need to make sure that the next tiny baby has a healthy happy home inside me.

So I’m finding my way back from the fog.  I’m finding me again, & regaining my happiness.  I can talk about my miscarriage & my angel baby now easier than I could.  I don’t want to act like this baby never happened.  It was real, it was my child no matter how long I carried it.

So now I’m back 🙂 And I’m getting healthy, & checking my blood sugars, & pulling all the pieces of me back together.  I’m ready to start blogging again after my leave of absence.  To end this post I’d like to share a quote that helped me when I found out I would lose my baby.  I love you guys 🙂

“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. Let me not look for allies in life’s battlefield but to my own strength. Let me not cave in.”
-Rabindranath Tagore
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My Dear Not-Yet-Conceived Baby…

Dear Baby,
I know we haven’t even got you cookin’ in the oven yet so some people may think this is weird but I wanted to get some stuff out of my head and on to paper (even though technically this is not paper).

I’ve been ready for you for a couple years now I guess but my blood sugars weren’t under enough control & your daddy wasn’t ready to have a baby quite yet. So I’ve been waiting. And recently we just bought our first home (you’re going to love it, it’s cozy & has plenty of room for you to crawl & run). This was one of your dad’s pre-reqs to start trying for you. He did not want to be renting he wanted to own our home. Which is understandable.
His other 2 pre-reqs was that we have a fur baby before a real one. Well we’ve got a 7 month old black lab thinking he owns our new house lol. You’ll love him. He’s so friendly & great with kids & will just let you hang on his neck and love him.

The last one was that I get my blood sugars under control & get ‘okays’ from all my doctors. Well my numbers have been under tight control these past few weeks. I’ve gotten my stamp of approval from the eye dr & my endo. So that leaves my family dr & maybe my dentist. I don’t really need the dentists approval as much as I just need a cleaning before you decide to make home in my belly. And I’ve technically already got my stamp from my OB. He just wanted my A1C to be super close to 6.0% & let me tell you I am working my tail off to get it there.

I’ve already got so many ideas for you in my head. Everything from pregnancy, to having you as a newborn & beyond. You’ll learn that your mama LOVES to plan ahead. If we go on vacation I’ve got a packing list started at least 3-4 weeks before we leave & I’m packed DAYS before we go. I’m pretty OCD about it. Lordy I hope you don’t inherit that trait from me lol.

OH but anyways the other day your dad finally told me he was ready for you. He’s ready to have a baby & be a daddy. He also told me I should probably go off my birth control next month!!! I’m so excited. I hope my labs come back okay the next time I have them in a couple weeks so we can start trying for you really really soon.
I know you’re not there yet but I love you so much already/anyways. I can’t wait to find out you’re there with me.

Love,
Your Future Mom

Sickly…

Went all day yesterday with the runny nose, cough, sneezing, headache, etc. Woke up this am to a low grade fever, and the cough is moving a little farther down into my chest. Yay for a sinus infection!!! I get these frequently (thanks dad for your loverly allergies :)) so I’m not really freaked out or anything, still went into work today even though I seriously could be in bed right now resting my sickly self. It’s just annoying because my blood sugars suffer.

The highest it’s gotten today is 215 (so far) but I’m checking more frequently so hopefully I’ll be able to keep them somewhat stable. They seem to be hovering around the 140’s, so I guess it could be worse.

On happier notes, I’m starting back at the gym tomorrow (granted this sinus infection doesn’t get worse) so I’m really excited about that. Here in good ole WNC it’s just been so freaking hot and I’ve not really done anything. So I’m just joining for a month to get me through this last part of summer. And I really need it becuase apparently I’ve gained 3 lbs. Ick.

Also…My blood sugars (other than today) have been doing so good. I’ve been working so so hard. My last A1C about 3 weeks ago was 8.76. I’ll get it checked again at the end of August when I go to the endo. But I feel, for the first time EVER, that pregnancy might actually happen for me. It’s the best feeling. I need my A1C to be a 6.0 and I know 8.76 is a little far from there…but I feel like I can do it. I feel like it’s really possible that later this year all (4 of) my doctors will give me the green light to get pregnant, prego, knocked up, up the duff, however you want to put it. And while that feeling makes me so so happy and just keeps me motivated to keep working hard, it also makes me extremely nervous.

I know when I get that big green light part of me will be like ‘whoa. really? i can really go do this? i can have a baby??’ and it just makes me go ohmigosh. Because while I’ll be under control & safe I’ll still be very scared. What if this happens to me, what if the baby isn’t healthy, what if something goes weird with my eyes or kidneys, what if they baby has to come premature, what if the baby gets diabetes…

So I’m trying right now to do a lot of branching out and talking to other type 1 mom’s to try and help ease my mind. And when it does happen I’m just going have to take a few minutes to push diabetes completely from my mind and just think about the fact that I’ll be pregnant and I’m going to be a mom; and just enjoy that for a few minutes before diabetes brings me back to reality.

Well time to get back to work I guess. As much as I can do in this sneezy, coughy, state. 🙂

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