So I’ve not posted in a LONG TIME!!! I’m soooo sorry!!! But when I was about to do my next post several months ago I actually found out I was pregnant 🙂 🙂 So while trying to wrap my head around that & get to all the doctors etc. I decided to wait to do another post until after we heard the heartbeat.
On the day we went to the doctor to hear the heartbeat we didn’t. Instead we found out that my pregnancy was actually collapsing on itself & I was going to miscarry. Luckily Aaron was there with me that day & I will never forget the look on his face when the doctor told us. He had this stoic, hard mask on. You could tell he was sad but he was being strong. He put himself aside so he could be there for me. And goodness knows I needed him. I was pretty numb at first, but by the time we got home I was lost. I cried & cried & cried. And Aaron was there, so supportive, being whatever I needed him to be.
That was December 28th. The following Monday on January 2nd Aaron & I lost our baby. It was painful, sad, & pretty traumatic. I was just over 9 weeks pregnant so my doctor said I experienced about 80% of the pain I would feel during actual labor. It was horrible. It would have been bearable if I’d have gotten a precious little baby out of it. But I didn’t.
That was 4 weeks ago tomorrow & it still feels just as raw. I do understand however that it wasn’t my only chance at a child, that God has a reason why He wanted this perfect little baby more than I did, & I do have some peace with it. I honestly do. Does that make the pain easier? Not one bit. But I’m not angry, sad yes, but I’m not angry. I’m doing my best not to let it make me bitter. I have some pregnant friends that do sometimes complain about bring pregnant & it takes everything that I have not to make some snide remark about how they should just be happy that they’re still pregnant. I just think to myself that if I were them I’d probably be complaining of the same things 🙂
So now I’m trying to find my way back from that. My diabetes kind of took a backseat throughout this, which I know I shouldn’t have let it but I wasn’t thinking about the future at that moment & the future children I would have. All I was thinking of was that I didn’t have a little baby in me to take care of anymore so what the eff was the point?? Why should I check my blood sugar, or eat right?? I have nothing to nurture and care for anymore. Then as a week or two went by I realized that I need to start taking extra good care of myself for me, my husband, my dog, & my future children. Just because I couldn’t carry this one doesn’t mean I never will. & I need to make sure that the next tiny baby has a healthy happy home inside me.
So I’m finding my way back from the fog. I’m finding me again, & regaining my happiness. I can talk about my miscarriage & my angel baby now easier than I could. I don’t want to act like this baby never happened. It was real, it was my child no matter how long I carried it.
So now I’m back 🙂 And I’m getting healthy, & checking my blood sugars, & pulling all the pieces of me back together. I’m ready to start blogging again after my leave of absence. To end this post I’d like to share a quote that helped me when I found out I would lose my baby. I love you guys 🙂“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. Let me not look for allies in life’s battlefield but to my own strength. Let me not cave in.” -Rabindranath Tagore