Jenna….

We put our family dog down today. Jenna. She was about 18 years old, she was a shepard/collie mix. We’ve had her since my brother and I were little. But it was time. And even though I’ve not lived with my mom and dad in 5 years, and I have my own dog now, Jenna was still my dog. I can still remember the day mom brought her home. She was the only dog I ever really grew up around. It’s very saddening to know that now when I walk through mom & dad’s door it’ll just be Rebel there to greet me. Not Rebel and Jenna. I’ll really really miss her. This morning when I got to mom & dad’s house, and even on the way to vet I was fine. I was sad yes but I was good. I was talking, and laughing with dad.

But when we went in the vet and they took us to the room and put her up on the table…I lost it. It was real now. This was really happening. Our dog was going to leave us and there was nothing we could do. As soon as the vet gave her the shot I felt as if my body were on fire, as if the room was closing in on me, and I really thought I was going to puke. And it was so unexpected how fast it happened. Her head kind of collapsed into mom’s arms and we laid her head down and all of sudden…her chest wasn’t rising anymore. She was gone.

We all took turns petting her and whispering how much we love her before the vet came in & we did the same thing when we left. We each told her goodbye one last time. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

Mom’s made a little garden in her memory in the yard & she’s made her food dish into a little bird bath. Her memory will always be here, & I’ll always remember her for the dog she was. But damnit I miss her. I hear rebel walking down the hall and I look up and expect to see Jenna there but she’s not. And while I’m happy to see Rebs…my heart does sink a little knowing I won’t ever look up and see her face anymore.

We took her to the vet at 8am and while I’m doing better now I’ve noticed that the grief comes in waves. I’ll be fine for a little while then boom, it comes on and I get really upset. I know some people who’ve never had a dog won’t understand because dogs aren’t people. But they’re a part of the family none-the-less. And there’s a little hole in my heart now where she’ll always be.